Indulging in a long-held fetish - should I?

[Transistor Blast]

Throughout my life as a sub, I've explored a number of fetishes with some absolutely wonderful Mistresses. However there is one particular fetish that I have never before indulged because I feel so guilty and ashamed about it. The fetish is probably best described as adult baby or ABDL. It causes me such shame because it's something that the vast majority of "vanilla" people (and quite a few in the BDSM community) would find disgusting, and I could understand why. But the desire to explore it has become all-consuming, particularly since I've found a Mistress who provides it.

Knowing how I'm wired, I know for a fact that once the session was over and I would immediately be consumed with self-loathing that would possibly trigger a recurrence of my depression, which I suffer from on occasion. But I don't know what to do. It turns me on so much and it's never far from my thoughts. I keep imagining people finding out about it and completely ostracising me as a result. I also wonder if the Mistress who provides it secretly thinks is creepy or deviant and would look down on me as a result.

What would you do, were you in my position?

[reefknot]

Fantasy fetishes if you act on them can be the best thing ever or they just do not live up to the dream.

You asked about Adult baby, not something that floats my boat, ask yourself what is it about it that "turns you on" / intrigues you

There is no shame or embarrassment if the activity is between two (or more) consenting adults

What makes you fearful of the impact / self loathing enacting the fetish will have on you, are you over thinking it?

I am all in favour of playing out my fetishes so I would contact a Mistress that specialises in it and explain my concerns

[Lisal]

I really really used to feel like you do.

I felt almost dirty afterwards sometimes and vowed never to session again. And then back came the itch

The secret for me anyway was getting to know the mistresses. That helped me accept myself for who I am - and they liked me as a person. That encouraged me to try things that before I would have regarded as taboo - and, certainly, current domme and I have massive fun experimenting. We’ve “dabbled” with ABDL and we both enjoyed it

But that’s me. My initial reaction is to say go for it - you’ve only got one life etc. Others, though, will see it differently. As reefy says enacting out long held fetishes can go a couple of ways. I’m still struggling with trying one (forced bi) because part of me thinks it’s better left in my head

Any good domme will understand all this and should help you through it. ABDL is pretty specialist so the mistress you are thinking of seeing will have had those who - like you - have these concerns. I’d contact her and explain your anxieties.

I know a little about the ABDL scene - if you want to PM me happy to chat about it if that would help

[AlanGB]

Never something that has interested me although I have had an indirect contact with an Adult Baby scene.

Many years ago now, I did use to see a woman who catered for what may be described as the kinkier end of vanilla activities. With her I indulged in MMF and MFM sessions, fairly unusual in those days. One time on contacting her to arrange a session she asked if I would be interested in participating in a voyeur session? She then explained that she had a client who liked to be treated like a baby and to watch whilst she performed. After asking few questions, I agreed to join in, the exhibitionist in me having taken over.

Arrangements were duly made and at the agreed time I arrived to be introduced to the other (non) participant. He was a quite ordinary person in all respects and readily admitted that he thoroughly enjoyed voyeurism but the Adult Baby element was something he found arousing but couldn't understand or explain why.

The preliminaries over, the lady involved took him into the bedroom to prepare him and when that was complete came to fetch me. We both undressed before entering the bedroom as this formed part of his fetish. On entering (the bedroom - entering other things came later) I saw that the Adult Baby was now confined to a playpen clad only in a large nappy and a dummy in his mouth. We then proceeded to indulge in our usual range of more or less vanilla activities, taking care to ensure that he had a good view, but otherwise ignoring him.

When we had finished we both left the room, cleaned up and got dressed. He reappeared a short time later, thanked us both and left. The lady told me that although she had seen him a number of times, this was the first time he had asked for this particular scene. She found his particular fetish "odd" and not one she had been asked to cater for before. However she was very un-judgemental about it and regarded it as a business activity.

I reflected upon it later and still couldn't understand the attraction. I certainly have my kinks, obviously exhibitionism is (was) one of them, and I have a few others. However I have never encountered or had suggested Adult Baby activities since.

AlanGB

[Lisal]

I guess - in the end - that, although, we are all part of an overarching “label” it’s perfectly possible within that to not understand what others like

Neither she nor I get, in anyway, severe CP. But we understand that’s what works for some and accept that

One of the problems is that - even within the BDSM umbrella - there are those who are sniffy about certain activities - ABDL being one of them. I hasten to add that doesn’t include AlanGB who has provided a fascinating insight to that world

Transistor Blast please don’t be put off by anything you hear. If it works for you it works for you. That’s the most important thing

[reefknot]

Originally Posted by Transistor Blast

the desire to explore it has become all-consuming, particularly since I've found a Mistress who provides it.

Knowing how I'm wired, I know for a fact that once the session was over and I would immediately be consumed with self-loathing that would possibly trigger a recurrence of my depression, which I suffer from on occasion.

I've taken 2 parts of your post are key.

You have found a Mistress who provides ABDL and you have genuine concerns about you mental health post such a session.

I would contact the Mistress ask if she if you can book (pay) some time, not a session where you can discuss the activities with her, what's involved. Be open with her about your concerns, you could ask if she has a lite touch start sessions should you wanted to try it.

Like all kinks and fetishes there are many ways to explore them

[jon123]

This is not my interest, but I have sessioned with a mistress who not only provides this service (*) but also is aware of the mental issues involved.

(*) I think she has a genuine specialisation in the subject and 'service in exchange for tribute' is a misrepresentation, and not her motivation at all.

By all means PM if you wish.

[Bjorn Brimble]

Not my interest at all and my Mistress is adamant she won’t entertain it but I’m open minded enough to accept it works for some. Totally get that.

Shouldn’t it be ABNL over here though?

To the OP it’s surely not risking your mental health over.

Personally I’d leave well alone unless the urge is very strong.

If it’s deep rooted though it’s probably there to stay and may be better to explore it as reefy says, but cautiously.

Miss Buffy Brown who used to work in Manchester deffo offers this. I’d recommend her as a practitioner who is safe and non-judgemental. She wouldn’t look down on you at all.

In fact as lisal says it’s quite niche, I reckon those who do it just for the £££ wouldn’t last very long. You’re probably worrying unnecessarily here.

Good luck with whatever path you decide on.

[Transistor Blast]

Originally Posted by reefknot

You asked about Adult baby, not something that floats my boat, ask yourself what is it about it that "turns you on" / intrigues you

I think it's the loss of control, the sense of security and being taken care of. I feel a lot of stress in my daily life and that's why I think this fantasy calls to me so much.

To be clear, there are certain aspects of AB that I'm not into - the soiling, the talking like an infant, the forced feeding, etc. But the more comforting, maternal parts appeal to me - being nursed and taken care of.

Originally Posted by reefknot

What makes you fearful of the impact / self loathing enacting the fetish will have on you, are you over thinking it?

It's a fetish that I've seen described in some quarters as "creepy" and I can understand why. If I was given the choice of choosing my fetishes and kinks, I'd unashamedly keep them all except this one. It's hard to even talk about it with anyone. I also can't help but think what my family and friends would think of me if they somehow found out I was into it. That possibility strikes terror into me. Imagine the shame they'd have to endure if word got out that they had a relative or friend that was into this stuff. And lastly I wouldn't be able to help but worry that the Mistress providing me with the service would quietly find it disgusting but would be quietly judging me. "God, this guy is pathetic but I'll just go along with it" that sort of thing.

[Transistor Blast]

Thank you to all of the thoughtful posts, by the way! I'll respond when I have more time later.