Help Required

[Transistor Blast]

Sorry to bother everyone with my troubles but this is something that I really feel I need advice from people more experienced than I. It's not an unusual tale in terms of BDSM, I'm sure, but I would be enormously appreciative of anyone who takes the time to answer.

Last month I booked a session with a domme who I'd "followed" on line (in the non-stalkery sense) for a while. It was to be my first session, I've never had a BDSM experience before and I've never previously visited a dominatrix. For some time after I booked the session I was feeling elated and excited that I'd finally be able to do something that I've always wanted to do, always fantasised about.

Then with about two weeks to go, I started feeling anxious and very depressed, guilty even, about the session. All my life I've struggled with very low self-esteem and I consider myself an emotionally fragile person but, even taking this into account, my "gut" feeling was telling me that I'd made a mistake. I simply couldn't escape the little voice inside telling me, "You couldn't find a girlfriend who would do to you the things you want done. You had to pay for it. What does that make you?"

Not wanting to string things along, I cancelled the session with eight days to go. I was honest in my email and I informed the domme that it was nothing that she had done that had forced me to cancel. I simply was unable to escape the feelings of guilt and sadness that went with it and that my mind wouldn't be right if I were to go ahead.

The problem is that I still harbour the same fantasies as I've always done and can't shake off my feelings. So, if you've read this far (and I appreciate it if you have), I'd like to ask a couple of questions, one directed at subs, the other at mistresses (although of course neither question is limited to its intended recipients)

The question for subs is, I guess, how do you rationalise or justify your visiting a domme? I am at pains to point out that I don't look down on anyone who does so. I just want to know if anyone else has experienced the same feelings of guilt and dread as I have and if so how they were dealt with?

The question for mistresses is how do you regard subs in general? Do you think less of them that you would of anyone else for their visitng you? Or do you have pity on them? Or do you feel something else entirely?

I think quite a few of us will empathise with how you feel and what happened. I cancelled myself a couple of times when I was getting into it Good on you for cancelling as you did - others may not have done this

In answer to your question I felt guilt for some time about visiting PDs. What happened with me was that I found someone who helped me though this. How I view it now is that it's something I enjoy doing and is part of me so why should I deny myself that pleasure. I've found that the "paying for it" thoughts have gone away

As I've said before my biggest guilt was/is about any deceit involved

In all honesty you aren't going to find out your own answers until you try it - the thoughts/feelings will still be there. It may not be for you = or it may turn out that once you've sessioned once much of this will go away

Good luck with whatever you decide

[Rehrednu]

I'm sure this is a tale that lots of us recognise. I first sessioned about 20 years ago now, and also did something similar myself.

I've met quite a few professional Mistresses and overwhelmingly I have found them to be friendly and considerate people who will treat you with respect, except where this cuts across the theme of the session itself. So provided you do a bit of research first, don't worry that aspect.

I can't help with any guilt you may have about existing friends or family and what they might think of your secret desires - that's one for your own moral compass. It's still the biggest one for me.

What I can say is that I've found the reality of submission to be even better than the fantasy. If you do decide to try again, maybe you shouldn't book so far in advance for your first session. Maybe this will stop the nerves overcoming you and mean that you follow through. Whilst many Mistresses do get busy, even some of the very best sometimes have next day availability.

Best of luck. What we do isn't for most people but if it is for you, you'll never want to look back.

[posh-sub]

Good advice above. As stated, your 'symptoms' are far from unique.

First, separate the generalised fear of the "step into the unknown." This is a natural fear and can be overcome - as many of us have found.

Then let's consider the [for want of a better term] moral aspect. I assume you have no 'partner' to whom you may have an alleigance which could be prejudiced by the 'dishonesty' of your actions.

That out of the way, remember that what you are proposing to do is not illegal. Millions of us around the world do it. Someone is doing it right now, somewhere. It is not (as has been said) for everyone but it is enjoyed by many and probably would be enjoyed by many more, if they had the courage to come to terms with their preferences. Because that is what is - a preference. Kink is just another form of recreational relaxation.

Some take it much more seriously than that, and that's fine too. But ultimately it is just a very pleasant way to releive your frustrations, work out your preoccupations or simply get yer rocks off.

My advice is to try again. But DON'T cancel a second time. The Domme will get over it, you probably never will. Probably you won't try a third time, and you will have missed out on so very much pleasure.

Good luck!

Peace & Love
poshie

[numquata]

Good points above. To the OP: I’m not sure I can say anything that will help but, as others have said, you are not alone in your thoughts.

On the general point. At the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, sooner or later you will need to face up to your own feelings and either do something about assuaging them or simply suppress them and do nothing. If you choose the former course of action, then you may well have to recognise some trade-offs e.g. possibly not being straightforward with a partner. You need to weigh up whether any trade-offs are worth it. The latter option is possible, if not necessarily easy. Speaking for myself, I did nothing about my feelings for many years before I decided to do something about them – I didn’t want to go to my grave without knowing whether reality matched fantasy. It did. I’m now perfectly comfortable with what I do in private. I fully recognise though that I’ve most likely been exceptionally lucky in the people I’ve met over the years who have helped me with that.

On one specific point:

Originally Posted by Transistor Blast

I simply couldn't escape the little voice inside telling me, "You couldn't find a girlfriend who would do to you the things you want done. You had to pay for it. What does that make you?"

If you do decide to see a domme, I really think you should suppress this one before you go any further. It is all too easy, living in a western democracy and by virtue of participation in internet fora, looking at websites, attendance at munches or whatever, to get into a mindset that BDSM is somehow a social ‘norm’. It isn’t: the majority of society regards it as a sick perversion and sometimes I think that, on fora such as this one, we’re in self-denial and consequent danger of forgetting that. Obviously nothing is impossible but my own view is that the odds are stacked against us and that, statistically, most of us would be very lucky to find a girlfriend who was into this. For what it’s worth, in my experience, the commercial nature of the transaction actually becomes irrelevant if you’re fortunate enough to find the right play partner. If anything, all it ‘makes you’ is a realist, to my mind.

More good stuff and, as ever, I pretty much agree with what the old guy above says. After all how can a man whose first domme was Boudicca ever be wrong

However, I am never really comfortable with the suggestion that the non BDSM world (or the majority of) regard us as a sick perversion. Tbh I don't think they really care unless what we do somehow affects them

But the old boy's team did win at Stoke yesterday.....

[folly]

Boudicca? You mean vs your own Elagabalus, lisal?

I'd also disagree with the 'sick perversion' line. There are, of course, people who think that, but they speak from ignorance or naivety, from their own particular prejudice, or simply from their own repressed, but unrealizable desires. Either way, if you're not hurting anyone (who doesn't want to be hurt, that is ), the question is rather whether you care a fig what other people think. I know I don't. BDSM makes me happy, on so many levels. And money might be involved? If I want a sports massage, a reiki session or similar, I pay for it. What's different?

Go for it.

[ricci]

Transistor Blast, I know how you must have felt. I did something very similar when I first started out. I arranged a session and cancelled it. It's totally understandable. I think many Mistresses half expect it from first timers anyway.
Its a big step to take as you're confronting the fantasies you've held as a secret for years and are not only sharing them with someone but are - to an extent - making them a reality. That's enough to make anyone nervous.

Personally I can justify visiting a Mistress simply because its something I enjoy doing. No more than that really. I also totally separate it from my normal life, so the issue of having a girlfriend who can do the same thing, having to pay etc doesn't really apply. I couldn't think of a lot worse than having a partner ordering me around all day - it would take all of the fun of it for me to be honest.

I couldn't say what a Mistress thinks of a sub, but I suspect the opinion tends to be quite high. Ultimately you have something in common. Mistresses choose to do what they do and I imagine they enjoy it as much as you do.

I'm pretty sure that when you actually do visit a Mistress most of the issues and feelings you are struggling with will disappear.

Transistor Blast – there is a lot of good advice above. I’d like you to consider something numquata touched on and ask you to think forward, hopefully many years.

You say that you have always fantasised about BDSM. I take this to mean for many years, perhaps since childhood. Over those years, visiting a Mistress became a growing need – and please note the word I have used here – which finally became something you simply could no longer ignore and you booked your first session.

You cancelled that session in absolutely the correct way for very understandable reasons. Having done that you probably felt relieved but then the feelings returned. When you think about it, did you honestly expect them not to do so?

The BDSM ‘need’ is in many people and it won’t go away. Once you have sessioned it may diminish, it may even fade away completely, but until you have sessioned it will always be with you. So now you have to ask yourself a question. Do you want to reach the end of your life with this particular ‘If only I’d……..’ still there? That would be such an unnecessary shame.

[Fidel]

Everyone has said it really and only you can make that decision, if you have a partner/girlfriend then it is the deciet moral but that is the same as having an affair, bdsm isent unique to that. I can only offer my own experience and thoughts on your issues:

I understand what you mean about the 'paying for it' issue and suffered myself from guilt for many years because of it, if I could find a partner who embraced female domination for herself then that would be utopia but the chances are indeed small so to live my life the way I want to I have to pay for it, just a fact of this life.

As folly sais the view of many is ignorance as most peoples view of bdsm is the one they are given in a glimpse of a narrow-minded film on TV etc ie the woman in thigh leather boots with a bullwhip!! Yet that is only one tiny, tiny facet of female domination.

It is also hard to resist temptation and what is inside of you, if bdsm is what is inside of you and who you really are, my view is you will give into that anyway whether it is now or in the future and I ask why deny who we are? Why let guilt deny us pleasure? If the majority of people were into domination and the minority was into vanilla type relationships, how would those vanilla types then viewed? Is the majority always right?

Do you know who Mistresses and slaves are? Your and my mother, father, our sister, brother, aunty, our work colleauge, our best friend---PEOPLE! Just people thats all!! People were practisng bdsm hundreds of years ago and always will.

I have met some wonderful and interesting people in this scene and have met the Mistress of my dreams whom I still serve and what is also possible, yes we do have a professional relationship but that is one aspect that has to be there but we are also good friends, we meet for social occasions, we buy each other xmas presents etc just like any other friends would and its wonderful. I would not change it for anything. My guilt has dissapated these days, largely down to my Mistress, the connection we have and our friendship.

If bdsm is what is inside of you, I say follow what is inside of you my friend, you may have some bad expereinces along the journey but keep looking, keep searching and you will find what is right for you and you will know when that is because like myself when it happens,you will feel like you have come 'home', trust your instincts but of course only you can decide.

I wish you well
keep the faith